So your tween wants a smartphone? Read this first
Your tween wants a smartphone very badly. So badly that it physically hurts. And they’re giving you soooo many reasons why.
They’re going to middle school … they need it to collaborate with peers on school projects … they need it to tell you where they are … when they’ll be home … when the school bus is late. It’ll help you, dear parent, they vow. Plus, all their friends have one, and they feel left out. Come on! Pleeeeeease.
Before you click “place order” on that smartphone, pause and consider a few insights from a person who makes a living helping parents and tweens navigate the murky waters of smartphones and social media.
Emily Cherkin spent more than a decade as a middle school teacher during the early aughts. She watched firsthand as the presence of smartphones transformed life for middle schoolers. For the past four years, she’s been working as screen-time consultant, coaching parents about digital technology.
Her first piece of advice about when to give a child a smartphone and allow them to access social media was reiterated by other experts over and over again: Delay, delay, delay.
“I wish I knew then what I know now”
“I have talked to hundreds of parents,” Cherkin explains, “and no one has ever said to me, ‘I wish I gave my kid a phone earlier’ or ‘I wish I’d given them social media access sooner.’ Never.”
In fact, parents tell her the opposite. “I always hear, ‘I wish I had waited. I wish I knew then what I know now,’ ” she says, “because boy, once you give a child one of these devices or technologies, it is so much harder to take it back.”
Smartphones, social media and video games create large spikes in dopamine deep inside a child’s brain. As NPR has reported, those spikes pull the child’s attention to the device or app, almost like a magnet. They tell the child’s brain that this activity is super critical – way more critical than other activities that trigger smaller spikes in dopamine, such as finishing homework, helping to clean up after dinner, or even playing outside with friends.
Thus, parents set themselves up for a constant struggle when a child starts having their own smartphone, Cherkin says. “It’s the dopamine you’re fighting. And that’s not a fair fight. So I tell parents, ‘Delay all of it just as long as you can,'” she emphasizes.
That means delaying, not just a smartphone, but any device, including tablets, she suggests. By introducing a tablet at an early age, even for educational purposes, parents can establish a habit that may be hard to break later, Cherkin has observed.
“A child using a tablet at age 6 to 8 comes to expect screen time after school,” she says. “Flash forward to age 12, and now they have a phone. And when they come home from school, they’re likely engaging with social media, instead of educational videos.”
Neurologically, children’s brains haven’t developed enough to handle the magnetic pull of these devices and the apps on them, says neuroscientist Anne-Noël Samaha at the University of Montreal.
“It’s almost as if you have the perfect storm,” Samaha explains. “You have games, social media and even pornography and shopping online, and the brains of children are just not yet ready to have the level of self-control needed to regulate their behavior with these activities. Even adults sometimes don’t have enough self-control to do that or handle some of the emotional impact of them.”
Right-size your parenting fears
Parents often feel like once their tween starts moving around more autonomously through their neighborhood or town more, the child needs a smartphone to be safe, Cherkin says. “They may think, ‘Oh, my gosh! My kid is going to be kidnapped on the way to school. They need a phone to call me.’
But Cherkin notes that parents tend to overestimate the dangers of the “real world” and underestimate the dangers of a smartphone.
“I think our fears are very misplaced,” she says. “We need to think about what is statistically really likely to happen versus what’s really, really unlikely.”
Each year in the U.S. about a hundred children are abducted by strangers or people or slight acquaintances, the U.S. Department of Justice reported. Given that 50 million children, ages 6 to 17, reside in the U.S, the risk of a child being kidnapped by a stranger is about 0.0002% each year. (By comparison, the risk of being struck by lightning each year is about 0.0001%.)
On the other hand, giving a child a phone comes with a whole new set of risks and dangers, Cherkin says. They can be difficult for some parents to understand because they may not have much firsthand experience with specific apps, and the new threats that are emerging.
Back in March, the nonprofit Common Sense Media surveyed about 1,300 girls, ages 11 to 15, about their experiences on social media. Nearly 60% of the girls who use Instagram, and nearly 60% of those who use Snapchat, said they had been contacted by a stranger that makes them uncomfortable. The same was true for 46% of those who use TikTok.
Disturbing online encounters and influences
The same survey found that these apps often expose girls to content they find disturbing or harmful. For those that use Instagram, TikTok or Snapchat, 12% to 15% of girls see or hear content related to suicide on a daily basis. About the same percentage asaid they see or hear content about eating disorders on a daily basis as well.
An investigation by the Center for Countering Digital Hate also found evidence that content related to suicide and disordered eating is relatively common on TikTok. In the investigation, the nonprofit set up eight accounts ostensibly by 13-year-old children. Each user paused on and liked videos about body image and mental health. Within 30 minutes, TikTok recommended content about suicide and eating disorders to all eight accounts.
In one instance, this content began appearing in less than three minutes. On average, TikTok suggested content about eating disorders every four minutes to the teen accounts.
TikTok declined NPR’s request for an interview, but in an email, a spokesperson for the company wrote: “We’re committed to building age-appropriate experiences, while equipping parents with tools, like Family Pairing, to support their teen’s experience on TikTok.”
Emma Lembke, age 20, says these findings line up with what she experienced when she first went on Instagram eight years ago. “As a 12-year-old girl, I felt like I was being constantly bombarded by bodies that I could never replicate or ones that I could try to, but it would lead me in a darker direction.”
She remembers just trying to look up a healthy recipe. “And from that one search, I remember being fed constant stuff about my ‘200-calorie day’ or intermittent fasting.”
Eventually, she says, her feed was “covered with anorexic, thin, tiny women. Dieting pills, lollipops to suppress my appetite.”
Lembke developed an eating disorder. She has recovered and now is a digital advocate and founder of the Log OFF project, which helps teens build healthier relationships with social media.
“When I was younger, I was being prodded and poked and fed material [on social media] that was really leading me in a direction toward an eating disorder,” she says. “I think for a lot of young women, even if it doesn’t materialize into a fully fledged eating disorder, it painfully warps their sense of self by harming their body image. ”
Instagram’s parent company, Meta, declined a request for an interview. But in an email, a spokesperson said the company has invested in technology that finds and removes content related to suicide, self-injury or eating disorders before anyone reports it. “We want to reassure every parent that we have their interests at heart in the work we’re doing to provide teens with safe, supportive experiences online,” they wrote.
A whole world of sexually explicit content
Many children also come across sexualized content, even porn, on social media apps, Cherkin says.
If you want to get a sense for what your kid might encounter once you let them have a phone and popular apps, Cherkin recommends trying this: Set up a test account in one of the apps, setting the age of the user to your child’s age, and then use the account yourself for a few weeks.
“I did that with Snapchat. I set up an account, pretending to be 15. Then I just went to the Discover feed, where it pushes content to you based on your age,” she explains. Within seconds, sexualized content and vulgar images appeared, she says. “And I thought, ‘No, this is not appropriate for a 15-year-old.”
Snapchat’s parent company, Snap, also declined a request for an interview with NPR. A spokesperson wrote in an email: “We have largely kept misinformation, hate speech and other potentially harmful content from spreading on Snapchat. That said, we completely understand concerns about the appropriateness of the content that may be featured, and are working to strengthen protections for teens with the aim of offering them a more age-appropriate experience.”
Personally, Cherkin uses Instagram for her business. And back in March, despite all her knowledge about the traps on social media, she says she “got catfished.” She engaged with a stranger who seemed to be a teen in her DMs and eventually received obscene and disturbing photos of a man’s genitalia.
She writes on her blog: “It’s graphic. It’s gross. And this is one teeny (lol) example of what kids and teens see ALL THE TIME.”
What’s a parent to do? Consider smartphone alternatives
In the end, Cherkin says, there are several other in-between options for tweens besides giving them their own smartphone or denying them a phone altogether. You can:
- Share your phone with your tween so they can text with and call friends.
- Give your tween a “dumb phone” that only allows texting and calling. For example, buy an old-school flip phone. But if that’s out of the question because it’s not cool enough (and you have extra cash to spare), you can now buy dumb phones that look like smartphones but have extremely limited functions — no easy-access to the internet, no social media. And very little risk of inappropriate content.
Try to limit the apps your child uses, but get ready to be busy monitoring them
If you do end up getting your tween a smartphone, Cherkin says, you might be tempted to simply “block” children from downloading particular apps on their phones. And in theory, this works. Parental control apps, such as Bark, can notify you when an app is installed.
But, she says, many kids find workarounds to this approach — and really any parental controls. For instance, she says, if you block Instagram on their phone, kids can log in via the web. If you block TikTok, they might watch TikTok videos in Pinterest. Kids can find porn on Spotify.
“Kids are way tech savvier than we are,” Cherkin wrote in an email. “Remember how we used to program the VCR for our parents?! Every single parent who comes to me for help has a variation of this same story: ‘We had X parental controls; we blocked X sites; our child figured out how to access them anyway.’ … It’s impossible to successfully block everything — and once you do, a replacement will pop up in its place.”
In other words, once you give your child a smartphone, you will likely be setting up yourself for a whole new series of parenting tasks and worries. Even Meta reveals this in its April ad for parental controls: The mom in the ad is monitoring her son’s Instagram account while doing the dishes.
Is Your Teen’s Social Media Use Dangerous?
Social media and its mental health impact on teens is of great
concern, especially in light of the youth mental health crisis and
recent studies on the detriments of Instagram, Facebook, and others.
Research has not established a causal link between social media use and
negative mental health outcomes, however it has found positive and
negative effects that both parents and adolescents should understand and
consider carefully.
Does social media harm teens? The answer is complicated.
Alarming news reports and research on social media are common — and understandably troubling to caregivers and professionals — today. One recent study found that teens who reported spending more than 3 hours a day on social media may face an elevated risk for mental health problems compared to teens who used no social media.1 Instagram’s internal study found that its app worsens mental health in teen girls.2 And that platform is one of several that have been hit with lawsuits claiming harm to youth.3 4 5
However, that is not the full story. While some studies have documented associations between social media use and negative mental health outcomes, others have found no correlations, or even positive mental health associations, like increased sense of community (especially for marginalized groups) and stronger social connections.6 7 In fact, research at large has not established a causal link between social media use and negative mental health outcomes.
Digital media, social media, and other technologies are unavoidable. So what are parents and teens to do? From my perspective, based on research I’ve completed over the last 15 years, quality matters much more than quantity when considering the effects of social media and other digital technologies on youth. Individual personalities matter, too. What’s more, parents absolutely play an important role in shaping how their teens navigate social media and what they get from their online experiences.
What We Know About Social Media Use Among Teens
According to a Pew Research Center survey:8
- 95% of U.S. teens have access to a smartphone.
- Most teens use social media, and 35% say they use at least one of the top online platforms – YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, or Facebook – “almost constantly.”
- 55% of teens say the amount of time they spend on social media is “about right.”
The pandemic changed social technology behaviors among adolescents, with teens reporting spending more time checking social media than they did before the pandemic.9
[Take This Self-Test: Could My Child Be Addicted to the Internet?]
Not All Social Media Users and Experiences Are Equal
Individual experiences and circumstances, including existing mental health problems, may influence social media’s effects and explain its associations with certain mental health outcomes among youth. That’s another way of saying that researchers are still trying to determine which comes first: mental health issues or social media use.
Take teens, social media, and body image. About 20% of teens report feeling down about their body image after going on social media.10 Teen girls, however, are significantly more likely than teen boys to experience social media-related body dissatisfaction. In all, teens who experience body dissatisfaction related to social media use are also more likely to have depressive symptoms, online social anxiety, difficulty making new friends, and a tendency to spend free time alone. Still, this cross-sectional study does not tell us if the teens had pre-existing body image issues, or if social media caused these problems.
Neurodivergent people, especially those with the focus and self-regulation challenges associated with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), could have a harder time regulating their emotions and unplugging from screens. This may help explain why some studies show an association between ADHD symptoms and digital media use/screen time.11 Some individuals with ADHD may engage in gaming, for example, to cope with negative thoughts.12 In addition, the sleep disturbances associated with ADHD may also influence — or be influenced by — screen time.
Many Teens Say Their Online Interactions Are Primarily Positive
Most teens say that social media better connects them to their friends’ lives and feelings, and they report positive feelings associated with social media use.13 That’s in contrast to about a quarter of teens who say that social media makes them feel worse about their own lives, either by a little or a lot.13
[Read: Diagnosing a Different Kind of Social Disease]
Youth Feel the Pressure of Social Obligations
Youth today will invariably navigate friendships through social media, which comes with its own set of rules and standards. Through “likes,” comments, and other engagements, teens report feeling pressured to keep up with friends’ social media posts.7 Features within certain apps take advantage of this pressure to keep users hooked. One example is Snapstreaks, a feature on Snapchat that measures how many days in a row a user and a friend have sent Snaps (videos or images) to one another.
It’s not uncommon for personal networks to grow quite large — and even include people or accounts teens don’t know well in person — on social media. (For many tweens and teens, turning down a friend request or hitting the unfollow button is a non-starter.) That said, the larger a user’s personal network of social relations, the more time they spend attending to social obligations and managing their profiles.14 The more time spent on social media, the greater the chances of being exposed to ads and other content – some of which may not be for the best.
Teens “Lurk”
Social comparison is a normative aspect of adolescent development, and it happens equally in school hallways and online. As teens scroll their feeds, they’re trying to figure out who they are in relation to what they see – whether they’re smart enough, beautiful enough, tall enough, funny enough, and so on. It’s common for teens to “lurk,” or passively observe posts without interaction (e.g., “liking”, commenting) — a practice of comparison associated with social anxiety, envy, and low self-esteem.15 16 At the same time, some comparison via social media may allow teens to learn about and relate to others in productive, positive ways.9
How to Approach Your Teen’s Technology Use and Social Media Habits
1. Watch for Warning Signs
Many parents wonder whether their child is “addicted” to social media. No consensus exists on what constitutes problematic social media use, but many researchers rely on a tool developed to screen for problematic and risky Internet use that asks the following questions: How often do you…
- …experience increased social anxiety due to your Internet use?
- …feel withdrawal when away from the Internet?
- …lose motivation to do other things that need to get done because of the Internet?
In addition to the above, consider the following questions to help you understand social media’s effect on your teen: Does your child…
- …get extremely upset or violent when asked to get off their device?
- …skip their daily tasks (eating, homework, extracurriculars, bedtime) because they prefer to be on social media?
- …feel like they can’t have normal interactions without the Internet?
If you are unsure how to decipher your teen’s emotions and behaviors, a therapist can help you understand what is inside and outside the bounds of typical adolescent development, as well as the possible impact of any existing conditions, like ADHD.
2. Understand Your Teen’s Motivations
What does your child actually do online? You don’t have to know all the answers, but understanding the quality of the content your teen consumes is much more important than an exact count of the quantity.
Your teen might be engaged in healthy conversation about homework and school, for example, while online gaming with friends.
It also helps to experience for yourself the platforms and apps your teen is using to understand the attraction. You may be able to find your child’s profile, too, and get a sense of what they do.
3. Pay Attention to Your Child’s Interactions
How many people/accounts does your child follow? How many friends do they have on each? Do they follow lots of celebrities (which is associated with increased likelihood of having depressive symptoms and online social anxiety)?10 No specific number should raise concerns, but following hundreds of accounts should raise questions. Remember that large networks may mean more social obligations, which may make your teen more likely to check social media frequently and experience anxiety over keeping up with friends and “performing” friendship.7
4. Have Ongoing Conversations About Online Experiences
Whether your adolescent just got a smartphone or has been on social media for a while, talking about online experiences can help them be mindful of their social media use and its effects on them. (If you don’t feel comfortable having these conversations with your child, ask another family member for help.)
- Just as you ask your child about their friends and acquaintances IRL, be curious about online friends and happenings.
- Try co-viewing your child’s social media feed, especially if they start feeling negatively about what they’re seeing. Your child might be able to point out what kinds of posts are causing their dissatisfaction. It’s OK to teach and reassure your child to unfollow, hide, or unfriend accounts and people that don’t make them feel good.
- Teens want privacy, and that’s OK. Older teens especially may have a “clean” profile for family members, schools, and future employers to see, and a second, private account where they can show their authentic selves to friends. Usually, these second accounts are innocent and silly, so don’t assume the worst.
- Check your reactions. Avoid judgmental, disproportionate responses when your child comes to you with a social media-related issue. Often, tweens and teens will keep things to themselves, afraid that their parents will tell them to deactivate their social media profiles or take away their devices altogether at the first hint of a problem. Should an issue come up, approach with curiosity and collaborate with your teen on a solution.
Social Media and Mental Health in Teens: Next Steps
- Free Download: Too Much Screen Time? How to Regulate Your Teen’s Devices
- Read: “Did I Really Just Post That?!” The Social Media Guide for Teens
- Read: Compare & Despair – Social Media & Mental Health Concerns in Teens with ADHD
The content for this article was derived, in part, from the ADDitude Mental Health Out Loud episode titled, “The Mental Health Fallout from Social Media Use” [Video Replay and Podcast #416] with Linda Charmaraman, Ph.D., which was broadcast live on August 16, 2022.
Admit, Defer, Deny: How to Support Your Student through Early Admissions Decisions
Language. It can shape an experience, enhance it, diminish it, even completely reframe it.
If you are the parent of a college applicant, particularly one who applied Early Action or Early Decision, some powerful language will soon head your way.
Accepted. Deferred. Denied.
These three words conjure a wide range of feelings in all of us, from joy to grief, yet there is one feeling we often neglect to entertain as we watch our students, the weight of the world on their shoulders, warily open their envelopes and emails.
That feeling is one of responsibility.
You — as the loving, wise, mature adults in the lives of your students — will help shape these powerful, college-related moments with your own reactions. A jump for joy, a hug, a palm smack to the table, even a well-intended social media post can speak volumes to students who, at this tender time, may personalize your reaction as commentary on their value.
Whatever the outcome of a student's admission decisions, we as adults must take a deep breath and manage our emotions appropriately. Here are some suggestions to help you navigate your student's college acceptances, deferrals and denials.
Accepted
You’re probably scratching your head wondering why the heck I would offer advice to parents whose students were accepted into college, but hear me out.
After learning their student was accepted into college, some parents go bananas, calling everyone they know and posting generously on social media. Celebration is absolutely called for in this case (great job, kid!!), but consider keeping the celebration focused on the job well done, not on the college's name.
Tell your student how proud of them you are. Acknowledge the effort they put in over these past four years, particularly the last few months. Encourage them to keep up the great work as they continue with senior-level classwork. Foremost, teach your student to celebrate effort over brand name, so that they will put forth a valiant effort no matter where they land in life.
If you would like to post on social media, first ask your student for permission. Though their acceptance into college is exciting news to you, it is, after all, their news, and they may wish to share it in a different fashion or with a limited audience.
Also, remember that college admissions is an unfortunate breeding ground for comparison. While you enthusiastically share that your student was admitted to College X, another parent is likely coming to terms with their student’s deferral or denial. Should you choose to share this news, keep in mind the circumstances other parents of college applicants may be navigating.
The Decision is TBD
Your student was deferred by a college, meaning the college would like to re-review your student’s application in the context of the Regular Decision applicant pool.
A deferral can elicit mixed feelings: disappointment that the applicant was not accepted and relief that the opportunity is not off the table. Consider this an exercise in how you handle adversity and what you would like to model to your student, who will need to navigate adversity on their own in less than a year.
Model acceptance. This isn’t the decision your student wanted, but it’s the reality of things. Model resilience. This college is not off the table. What steps can your student now take to reinforce to Admissions they are a good candidate? (Hint: the student can call the Office of Admissions to reiterate their continued interest in the college as well as email any happy developments since the time the application was submitted. These may include new honors, awards, or activities.)
The Decision is Unfavorable
Rejection stings at any age. Your student may have envisioned themselves at a particular college only to now learn that college is completely off the table. Naturally, this will hurt, and it should. We cannot shelter our students from all of life’s disappointments. We can, however, give them our love and support and help them get back on their feet afterward.
After your student has taken a few days to grieve, you can help put things in perspective. Other doors likely remain open. It’s early, so chances are, your student doesn't have all of their decisions in hand yet. If your student created a well-balanced lists of colleges, they should hopefully have some acceptances to look forward to.
Additionally, think back on what it is your student loved about this particular college. Chances are there are numerous other schools that offer something similar. If you haven’t already, connect with a college-wise adult like a school counselor or college consultant who can help your student identify colleges similar to this one. Look at opportunities at these colleges that weren't available at the original school. Most Regular Decision deadlines run from January through March; there is still time to apply to additional colleges if needed.
The road to college can have unexpected bends and potholes.
Most students receive some deferrals and/or denials mixed in with the acceptances. At the end of the day, however, most students have a wonderful experience at college, and those who don’t have the option to transfer.
If you or your student feel stressed, ask yourself this: was there only one high school in the country that could equip your student to be successful? Of course not, and the same can be said for colleges. There are any number of colleges and universities where your student can be happy, healthy and successful. Take heart in that knowledge, so that when those college decisions arrive, you can be a rock for your student.
SCREENTIME Parenting
By Dr. Kimberly HarrisonParents everywhere are confused about how much screen time is too much. Technology is a necessary part of life at school and home, thus going completely without electronics is not realistic.
But overuse is creating layers of problems for our children and teens, and parents are struggling to find balance. By implementing a few basic strategies, your family can change from out of control to just right.
First, determine what a healthy use of free time looks like. Technology is a required part of many school assignments. Outside of school, however, overuse is rampant. Children should have free time to play each day “live in person” with other children. Physical activity and non-electronic hobbies need to be incorporated into free time. Also, all children benefit from having a few daily chores. Teens need the same, but should incorporate volunteer or paying part-time jobs, too. These activities create balance, resilience, social skills, a healthy work ethic and a sense of community. Electronic use can be added after these factors are in place.
Next, house rules need to be clear, in writing, and enforced. While rules can be different for each age and stage, some common ones are helpful in all homes. Best practices include: 1) No electronics at mealtime (yes – Mom and Dad, too!) 2) A standard time to turn in all electronics each evening. 3) Consider whether to allow video games on school nights. 4) Limit electronic usage on the weekend. 5) Traditional alarm clocks should replace cell phone alarms in all bedrooms. 6) Parents are encouraged to learn how to turn smart phones into dumb phones, as needed, by restricting internet access and games through their service provider.
Finally, have open conversations with your children and teens about your expectations. When violations occur, consequences need to be swift and consistent. The younger the child, the easier it is to implement these strategies, but it’s never too late to start. If you need assistance turning things around, consult a professional. Remember, you are the parent, and you have been given the responsibility to teach and model healthy living. Children and teens do not have your insight and wisdom. YOU’VE GOT THIS!
Is Internet Addiction Real?
Source: ChildMind Institute
Internet addiction. Phone addiction. Technology addiction. Whatever you call it, a lot of parents are expressing worries that their children are addicted to their devices.
Is the behavior that parents are concerned about really addiction?
What parents are alarmed about is usually two things: the sheer amount of time their kids spend on screens, and their kids’ resistance to cutting back on that screen time. Getting them to put away their devices and come to dinner, engage in other activities, go outside or do their homework (without also checking social media and streaming TV shows) seems to be an increasingly uphill battle.
Kids sometimes use the word “addiction” to describe their own behavior, too. In a 2016 survey by Common Sense Media, half of teenagers said they “feel” they’re addicted to their mobile device. Three quarters of them said they felt compelled to immediately respond to texts, social media posts and other notifications.
“More often than not, when people say that someone is addicted to the internet or addicted to their phone, they’re using it colloquially,” notes David Anderson, PhD, a clinicalpsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. By calling it addiction, parents are often communicating their concern that so much screen time is unhealthy, as well as their feeling that they’re powerless to stop it.
Are kids addicted?
While the comparison tosubstance abuse is tempting, because devices are stimulating to the same reward centers of the brain, experts point out crucial differences.
“Addiction doesn’t really capture the behavior we’re seeing,” says Matthew Cruger, PhD, a neuropsychologist and the director of the Learning and Development Center at the Child Mind Insititute. “With addiction you have a chemical that changes the way we respond, that leads us to be reliant on it for our level of functioning. That’s not what ‘s happening here. We don’t develop higher levels of tolerance. We don’t need more and more screen time in order to be able to function.”
There is, technically, no such thing as internet or phone addiction. Some in the psychiatric community have proposed a new disorder called internet gaming disorder, to recognize unhealthy patterns of game-playing. But to rise to the level of a disorder, Dr. Anderson notes, the behavior would would be very extreme, and seriously impairing to a child’s life.
That would mean an amount of screen time that’s not only more than parents feel comfortable with, but that crowds out other age-appropriate activities, like socializing, sports, school work — even hygiene and sleep. “We would be looking at adolescents who are pushing everything else out of their lives,” explains Dr. Anderson. “They are not having friendships, not engaging socially — at least offline — and they may be failing in school.”
Some parents may see addict-like behavior, Dr. Anderson adds, when kids get angry if they’re required to stop, insist on more and more screen time, spend a lot of offline time thinking about how and when they will get back online. But these kind of behaviors can be prompted by many pleasurable activities, and don’t constitute an addiction. “More often than not, what I see are parents who are concerned about their teenager’s behavior around screens use the word addiction when it doesn’t really fit.”
One reason to be cautious about using the term, he added, “is that we have a tendency right now within the zeitgeist to pathologize normal adolescent behavior.”
What are kids doing online?
The amount of time teenagers typically spend on phones and other devices can be misleading as a measure of whether they are unhealthily engaged. That’s because many of the things kids do on those devices are age-appropriate activities that in the past have been done offline: socializing with peers, exploring personal interests, shopping, listening to music, doing schoolwork, watching movies or TV.
Texting and use of social media sites, for instance, have become important channels for adolescents connecting to others and being validated. Role-playing games allow kids to interact not only with friends, but to people around the world. A 2016 report by Common Sense Media concluded: “What looks like excessive use and distraction is actually a reflection of new ways of maintaining peer relations and engaging in communities that are relevant to them.”
Is it masking a mental health disorder?
When a child seems unhealthily focused on video games, to the point of social isolation, the behavior may be, rather than addiction, a product of other mental health problems.
Dr. Anderson reports that he finds himself saying to parents, “We understand your hypothesis that your kid is addicted to games, but it may be that he is socially anxious. It may be that he is depressed. It may be that he has alearning disorder. ”
Dr. Anderson recalls treating a 16-year-old whose mother was adamant that he was addicted to video games. “I was doing in-home sessions with him, and it was, indeed, very hard to get him off playing Call of Duty to even have the session. But what I realized very quickly was that he had both ADHD and depression, and he had been failing school for as long as he could remember.”
Call of Duty was actually a positive in his life, Dr. Anderson said, “the only thing that provided solace, a sense of belonging. He had joined a crew of people who play Call of Duty and post YouTube videos of them playing.”
Once hisADHD and depression got appropriate treatment, he was able to cut back on Call of Duty, and make offline friends. “He joined the football team at school. His grades improved,” said Dr. Anderson. “In that sense, it was treatment of ‘internet addiction’ through treatment of the actual underlying conditions.”
Problematic use
While experts say that parents should remain skeptical of the notion of addiction, they also argue that parents should be alert for potential negative fallout from screen use. Apps and games are designed to keep us engaged as much as possible, and it can be hard for children to exercise self-control when their impulse is to keep scrolling.
There is ample evidence that intense social media use is correlated with an increase in anxiety and depression as teenagers, especially girls, compare themselves unfavorably to their peers and worry about missing out.
Research shows that excessive gaming — spending two-thirds or more of free time — is correlated with negative mental health outcomes, including higher incidence of anxiety, depression and substance use.
There is evidence that multitasking — using social media, texting, watching tv while doing homework — underminescognitive functioning and decreases learning.
And, of course, experts note constant attention to devices comes at the cost of other activities that are ultimately more valuable, and developmentally important.
Superficial engagement
“Our brains are hardwired to like things that are novel and stimulating, and the phone captures that,” notes Dr. Cruger. “It’s easier to engage in constantly checking your phone or playing a game than tasks that require more mental effort, though those are ultimately more rewarding for a lot of people.”
Dr. Cruger sees an anaology to gambling in that checking devices is only intermittently reinforcing. “People spend a lot of time looking briefly at things, not diving down, hoping it’s going to be rewarding, though often it’s not.”
Why would you pick up a book if you’re stimulated by Instagram or Candy Crush, Dr. Cruger asks. “You still retain the capacity to apply more mental effort to things but the opportunity is lost when you’re constantly superficially engaged.”
“There are absolutely alarms to be sounded,” concludes Dr. Anderson, “but the vast majority of kids are engaging in screen-related behaviors that may not be either pathological or damaging.”
The key, he notes, is to help parents set appropriate boundaries around screens, to understand what their kids are doing online, to feel confident that they are is engaging in the right developmental tasks — online or off.
How to Set Screen Time Limits
Source: ChildMind Institute
Setting rules around screen time is never easy, but since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, it may feel impossible. Lots of kids are used to extra screen time at this point — is it time to cut back again? How do you know how much is too much? And is there any way to get kids on board if you do need to change the rules?
There’s no one right answer when it comes to managing screen time during this ongoing crisis. But our experts have some tips to help you set reasonable expectations, support your child and — most important of all — cut yourself some slack.
Start with wellness
When you’re thinking about the role that screen time plays in your child’s life, it can be tempting to start counting hours of TV or TikTok. But David Anderson, PhD, a clinicalpsychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends thinking in terms of your child’s overall health and how they spend their time in general.
Dr. Anderson suggests that parents use the idea of a “developmental checklist” to consider whether a child is engaged in activities important for healthy development. The exact items on this checklist will vary depending on your family’s circumstances (and any COVID restrictions that might affect daily routines), but the idea is to list the activities that your child needs to spend time on in order to stay happy and healthy. Try asking yourself:
Is my child sleeping enough and eating a somewhat balanced diet?
Are they getting some form of exercise every day?
Are they spending some quality time with family?
Do they keep in touch with friends?
Are they invested in school and keeping up with homework?
Do they spend time on the hobbies and extracurriculars that matter to them?
If you can answer yes to most of those questions, then it’s probably not a huge deal if your child watches an extra episode (or three or five) of their favorite show.
The reverse is also true. If your teenager is spending all their time alone in their room, scrolling through social media, “that could be a sign of depression — pandemic or not,” says Dr. Anderson. Or if your child is spending so much time gaming that you can’t get them to exercise or eat properly, that’s a sign that you need to intervene. “If the worry is that your child is having too much screen time, it’s not about how much time that actually is,” Dr. Anderson notes. “It’s about what it infringes on.”
Set reasonable limits
After working through thedevelopmental checklist, you may decide that you do need to set some new limits on your kids’ screen time — or get serious about limits that have fallen by the wayside. But rules don’t need to be rigid or extreme to be helpful. Try these techniques to set healthy boundaries and keep conflict to a minimum:
Start with compassion. Unstructured screen time is an important source of comfort and entertainment for many kids. Letting your kids know that you understand their needs is a simple way to reduce stress for everyone. “You can say to your kids, ‘Look, I know you need a break. I know you need to relax,’” says Dr. Anderson. “Let them know that a certain portion of their screen time is theirs to do what they like with.”
Offer additional screen time as a bonus. Try using extra screen time as an incentive for good behavior. If you go this route, be sure to let your child know exactly what is necessary to earn the extra time. For example, getting ready for bed without complaining might earn them an extra ten minutes the next day. You and your child can even write down the goal together and post it somewhere prominent as a reminder.
Brainstorm alternatives. “When we tell kids not to do something, we almost always need to tell them what to be doing instead,” says Stephanie Lee, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Dr. Lee recommends developing an “activity menu” with your child that lists their preferred non-screen activities (like crafts, reading or playing with a pet). That way, when they’re feeling bored or overwhelmed, they’ll have easy choices at the ready.
Keep a schedule. It can also be helpful to set specific times of the day or week when your kids know they’ll be allowed to use their screens. For instance, maybe the 30 minutes before dinner are always open for screen time. That kind of structure helps kids know what to expect and cuts down on their requests for screens at other times. Plus, it gives you space to schedule your own tasks at a time when you know your children will be busy.
Model healthy screen use. If you make a point of setting aside your own screens during set times, your children will be more likely to do the same without putting up a fight. Plus, taking breaks from tech has the added benefit of helping you limit your own media intake and giving you moments of mindfulness with your kids.
Emphasize connection. “The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screen time for kids under the age of two — except for FaceTiming with relatives,” Dr. Anderson says. “FaceTime with family may be a source of connection for you, and it may also provide a way of maintaining relationships, especially for young kids.” Setting your children up to chat with relatives can also give you a chance to relax or get other things done, which can benefit the whole family.
Stay the course
Once you set up a system, you may find that your kids push back against it. “Maybe they’ll be moody for the first few days,” Dr. Anderson says. “They’ll ask you a thousand times, they’ll get angry. That’s what’s called an extinction burst.” Dr. Anderson explains that it’s natural for children to test new boundaries to see if they’re firm, but if you can stick to your plan and tolerate their irritation for a few days, pushback will likely fade as kids settle into their new routines. As much as you can, avoid making exceptions to rules for the first week or two after you set them.
Here are some more tips for making new (or reinstated) rules stick:
Don’t debate. When it comes to screen time, reasoned arguments and careful rationales aren’t likely to matter much to kids. “The reality is that parents want to place limits and kids don’t really see a reason why those limits should be there,” says Dr. Anderson. So don’t get bogged down arguing with kids about what the rule should be. Once it’s set, it’s not up for discussion.
Skip the guilt trip. Kids often turn to tried-and-true arguments that tug on your heartstrings: “All my friends get to play this game as much as they want! Do you want me to be left out?” Know that your rules aren’t harming them and that they’ll let these arguments go once they see that you’re not budging.
Pick the right time. Changing the rules at a time when other things are changing may make it easier for kids to accept. For example, try starting fresh the first week after a school vacation — not on a busy Wednesday.
Gather data and reevaluate. To get older kids and teenagers to buy into a new screen time rule, it can be helpful to compromise based on their wishes — with the understanding that you’ll start with a trial run. For example, your teenager might swear that using screens after a certain time doesn’t affect their sleep, or that homework is easier with a friend on FaceTime. In cases like those, you can give their version a try and track how it goes for a couple of weeks. Do they wake up on time in the morning? Does all the homework get done? See what you learn, and then readjust as necessary. “If they can show you that these goals for their wellness can still be accomplished, even as they engage in these screens, that’s great,” says Dr. Anderson.
Go easy on yourself — and your kids
As with so many aspects of life during the pandemic, it’s impossible for anyone to be the perfect parent right now. If more relaxed rules around screens give you time to work, exercise, or just take time for yourself, accept that that may be the best decision right now.
Dr. Anderson gives the example of wanting to limit your child’s TV time, even though one more episode would give you time for a workout. If you tell your child they can’t watch the episode, they’re cranky and you don’t get your workout. “In that case,” he says, “you can probably be more emotionally available if you give your child that extra screen time, take care of yourself, and then come together afterward.” Thinking in terms of everyone’s needs and stress levels (especially your own!) can help you set realistic limits that work in practice.
Hannah Sheldon-Dean/Hannah Sheldon-Dean, MSW, is a staff editor and writer at the Child Mind Institute.
Why Preventing Failure Hurts Learning
Source Jed Applerouth
This semester, I was asked to help numerous students who were failing in school. During intake sessions with my students and their parents, we discussed how we would define success. Some of my students had starting grades in the 30s and 40s. What would it mean if a student brought the 35 to a 65? Would that be a failure? Or a success?
Twenty years of working with students and parents, combined with my background as an educational psychologist, have given me a different perspective on “success” and “failure.” Failure is not the opposite of success; it’s an integral part of success, and absolutely essential to learning.
For a lot of parents, this reframing of failure is a huge shift. Maybe you’re familiar with the way failure is framed in Silicon Valley where it’s encouraged to “fail fast,” “fail forward,” or “fail better.” If you’re not taking risks in Silicon Valley, and risking failure, then you are unlikely to create a revolutionary product.
However, when it comes to our children, many of us have a very different perspective, and in many cases will go to great lengths to protect them from the short-term pain that can accompany failure.
Every parent grapples with the “assistance dilemma” over when to intervene and when to allow frustration and setbacks to occur. Do I bring the assignment to school that my daughter left on her desk or let her face the consequences of leaving it at home? Do I push my son to finish his college applications or risk missing deadlines?
It’s not easy. And every situation demands its own nuanced understanding: what skills does the student currently have, and what is the “just right” amount of support to help them grow? We must adapt as our children develop. The key thing is to remember that allowing our kids to fail, when appropriate, can actually support their long-term development into competent, autonomous, and successful adults.
Reframing failure
Researchers in education and in psychology have highlighted the importance of working through challenges to develop resilience, creative problem solving, cognitive flexibility, resourcefulness, and self-belief.
Albert Bandura’s research speaks to the importance of mastery experiences and overcoming challenges to build self-efficacy and self-esteem.
Thanks to Carol Dweck, we know how important it is to have a growth mindset that makes room for mistakes and even failures as part of a developmental path towards growth and progress.
Martin Seligman’s research reveals the secrets of optimists – viewing setbacks and failures as limited and specific rather than as reflections of permanent, personal or pervasive deficits.
Angela Duckworth, who originally studied under Seligman, brought the idea of “grit” into the mainstream. Thanks to her work, we know that challenges and setbacks make us stronger, and more likely to persevere in the future. Duckworth warns that people who never experience failure can develop into “fragile perfects” who are more likely to crumble, when adversity or true challenges emerge.
These researchers and many others have taught us that failure is not something to be feared, but something that can build character, self-trust, and a reservoir of inner resources.
But sometimes parents develop the habit of swooping in to save their kids at the earliest signs of stress or distress. The potential harm was never going to be catastrophic, but, by jumping in, the parents send the message to their children that they are incapable of working through their own challenges or struggles.
Putting “failure” and “success” in context
When we define “success” for a particular student, we have to consider the context – what’s going on in the student’s life, their strengths, and challenges. School is one piece of the puzzle, but there are other, behind-the-scenes, factors affecting student performance: family dynamics, personal challenges, losses, disappointments and all the things that make us human. We bring our whole selves to school, and our grades exist in the context of all that is happening in our lives.
My students this past semester included a high school freshman who was on the cusp of failing most of his classes and repeating the ninth grade or changing schools, a sophomore, who had been an A student pre-pandemic, but was on the verge of failing classes because she couldn’t finish assignments, and a a senior, who, after a year of remote learning, had so many incomplete assignments that he was at risk of not graduating or having his college acceptance rescinded. The ultimate goal is to help these students succeed with a capital “S,” but first they needed some small, attainable wins to put them back on track.
For my freshman, we defined success very simply: advance to the 10th grade. Being held back would have likely diminished his academic self-concept and led him to question whether he belonged in his advanced school. My sophomore was hoping to bring her Cs back to Bs, and her Bs to As while maintaining a GPA that wouldn’t hurt her college prospects down the road. My senior just needed to graduate and keep his college acceptance. Each student’s goals were specific, clear, and – most importantly – realistic in light of their starting point and the time they had available to improve.
Sometimes Failure is the Best Teacher
A student may “succeed” academically in such a way that is detrimental to their development, or “fail” in a way that sets them up for a better future.
My senior, in spite of failing one class, will graduate and matriculate to college in the fall. Accustomed to getting As and Bs, he was shaken by his first F in high school. I pushed him hard to reframe the F. What did you learn? How will this affect your approach in the fall once you’re in a college setting? The F itself was of little practical consequence – he had not lost his college acceptance and his high school GPA would effectively disappear once he moved on to college. What mattered was what he did with the F, and how it could help him modify his future behaviors.
The “F” taught my senior he had made too many assumptions without clarifying them. He had assumed the teacher would allow him to turn in late work for full credit, but he hadn’t verified that. He had simply accrued too many late assignments for his teacher to give him a passing grade. This was painful, but the hurt was important, maybe even necessary for him to learn an important lesson. Absent that failing grade, there was a much higher chance my student would bring his same behaviors forward to college, where the consequences would be more significant.
My sophomore easily passed all of her classes, but ended up with her first C in high school in a demanding AP class. As with my senior, I helped my sophomore reflect on what she had learned. If she could take the class again, what would she do differently? And what strategies will she use when she begins her more academically rigorous junior year? Getting a C wasn’t the original plan, but it may lead to her best academic year as a junior.
My freshman is advancing to 10th grade, but having failed a couple of classes, he will spend a month or so in summer school. When I processed the end of the year with his mom, she was focused on the positive changes she saw in her son. He was taking more ownership of his school work and making better decisions about his time. After exams, he realized that the material itself was manageable; he could master his classes if he used the new organizational skills he’d learned. Going forward he would need to change his approach to managing his time more skillfully, but he now knew he had everything he needed to succeed in school. This gain in insight and skill was a much bigger win than any GPA for a single semester.
Facing these disappointments and processing them, my students had a chance to learn important lessons that will serve them in college and beyond. These experiences also helped them build a bit more grit and resilience.
Building Grit and Resilience in Our Kids and Ourselves
Working with these students, I’ve had the opportunity to step into the shoes of parents everywhere. I was emotionally invested in the success of my students. I had to step back, as parents must step back again and again, and allow the students to go through their process, on their own timelines. With some perspective, thinking in terms of years and even decades, I came to see these temporary setbacks my students faced as key to their development.
To build more resilient, competent, creative adults, we need to make room for failure and reflection. Adopting a developmental perspective takes some of the pressure off getting the exact right GPA, or level of academic rigor, or test score, or admissions essay or college acceptance. If we think about building competent, capable adults, who can manage the inevitable setbacks and frustrations that accompany life, we will be able to shepherd our students through their challenges with more grace and compassion.
If you’re looking for a practical way to get started, follow the example of entrepreneur Sara Blakely and think about how you can reframe failure in your family. Growing up, her father would ask her at the dinner table what she’d failed at that week. He encouraged her to take on new challenges and not be afraid to fail in the process. So, what did you fail at this week?
If you are looking for further reading on this topic, consider the following titles:
- Wendy Mogel: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
- Jessica Lahey: The Gift of Failure
- Julie Lythcott Haims: How to Raise an Adult
- Angela Duckwork: Grit
- Carol Dweck: Mindset
